Is this short story okay?

Ditto on punctuation, capitalization. You capture a mood well but I would stop Esme before she gets into Rose's crash. Let Rose tell that. In the Rose section try to make the action more immediate. Instead of saying "I felt my sisters body fling across me, buffering the impact of the crash." Try "My sister flung herself in front of me, buffering my impact." Instead of 'She was laid" put "They lay her upon a stretcher..." Watch out for words like "felt, feeling, was, had," as they can slow down your action.