Another VET bites the dust?

I was a combat medic in an infamous detention facility in Iraq. It's been 4 years now since retuning home. There was no welcome home party. Just getting high and drunk with old friends. I come from an Asian household first generation and the two worlds don’t mix. My father had many harsh words after he found out that I went to the war front. Only losers and people without brains go and fight other people’s battles for pay. I was raised in the states since I was five today I’m 38 almost homeless if not for my parents garage. You can only imagine how that makes me feel. 38 living in the garage of my parent’s home though I have found employment as an EMT. Everyday the job brings me back to the war and seeing the old folks at the con homes bring me down another notch. Everyday is blood and death all over again. I've gotten into troubles with the law and might be losing my job soon. I was never into smoking weed but more of a drinker. I didn’t work for the first 2 years living off of the deployment money. It was difficult trying to hang out with old friends. I couldn’t laugh at the same jokes or have a good time. The panic attacks are getting worst and I can not control my anxieties any longer. Everyday is so much harder to pretend that I’m perfectly fine and happy. I began withdrawing and isolating myself from the crowd and belief it’s starting to affect my thought processes. I’m having difficulty sleeping maybe because I’m worried all the time about this and that. But thanks to J&D it knocks me out just fine. When I do sleep I can stay in bed four a couple of days. In the 4 years, I’ve gotten in trouble with the law twice. Now the courts want me to go through group psychological counseling down at the VA. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up and face the day and thoughts of suicide run through my head constantly. My self esteem is at it’s lowest. I’ve thought about it and did some checking on google for a fast and painless way go. I found the Japanese suicide detergent thing by mixing two key ingredients to make the lethal gas or 00 buck shot up the roof of the mouth into the brain. It’s fast and painless. I will not leave a note behind because that to me is pointless at my age. Belief me when I say I've always strive to better myself in school as well sports. That's not always the answer. I bought a raft off of craigslist and know a good place at the beach where I can row out and do my deed. I don’t want to leave traces of what had happen to me. I just want to disappear and know soon i'll be forgotten and it's what i want. Life seems so worthless to me now and I really don't care anymore. I know I don’t want to die but also that I don’t know how to live. I’m 38 years old and a loser. Darwin was right about survival of the fittest and the weak soon die off. GOD have mercy on my soul.